Sleep is one of those friend you always dread hanging out with because you have better things to do, but once you finally cave in and decide that they are worthy of your time, you dont' understand why you put hanging out with them off for so long.

I love sleep. But I love being awake so much, sometimes I forget to sleep.

What really makes a house a home?
I've never thought of a home as a place. It's always been a state of mind for me. Some people need stability and sameness. I find I'm too restless for my own good. One moment I want to be here, the next I want to be there. And it's nt a bad thing I don't think. I just know that there is a lot left in my life to do. A whole world to discover in my future.
I want to go to Italy and possibly teach children there. I want to join the Peace Corps. I don't honestly want a 'real' job. I can't be happy with sameness all the time. I know this about my self. There is one thing I need to stay stable and that is the fact that I CAN. If I can then everything is perfect. If I dream of better days, the presents days are beautiful. I will never be proud of myself for becoming apathetic to te world that surrounds me.
I'm getting closer to where I'm supposed to be, but I know I'm not quite there yet.
The problem with being flexible and open to suggestions is that it gives you so many options.
My house is not a home. It is a dwelling place where I can find shelter. My home, my home is the world, my home is an idea, a thought, a state of being.

But I will stay with my family this next semester in hopes that I can save money to travel to the places where I can make my home even larger byt expanding my experiances and diversity in my life.

(I told her I was going to join the Peace Corps....she didn't retaliate...I don't think she believes me)

I was deep in thought about my life a few weeks ago. I wasn't sure what I really wanted to do or how I wanted to do it at the moment. I was struggling, I realized, between what my parents wanted for me and what I wanted for me.
My parents want a live of monetary security for me. They don't want me to have to deal with the stress that comes from having an occupation that doesn't produce a good amount of financial support.
Me? I could care less. I've learned to live with out. Of course I'd be slightly upset if I didn't have the internet to connect me with the world. But you see, If I'm out in the world, why woudl I need it?
I was one of those children that a parent could not have asked more from. The one who obeyed as much as possible and tended not to cause problems. Such a wonderful little girl.  But as I grow older I realize that being that girl kept me from doing what I really wanted to do.
I wanted to go on missions trips and paint houses with my church. I wanted to travel the world. I wanted to donate everything I had to Good Will. Heck I wanted to shop there. There's something exciting about owning a piece of clothing some one didn't want. I was the girl who would sacrifice her time and her sanity so other people could be happy.
I want to continue being that girl as I am rapidly changing into a woman. Because it was then that I was the happiest. It was in those moments when I had the least that I felt as if I had the world in my hands.
So, of course, I came to the conclusion that the thing I would love to do the most (aside from visiting Italy one day) would be to join the Peace Corps. I would travel and live with people of an entirely different culture and be able to help people and grow myself. And me, being me, decided to do a little research and realized that my psychology major would fit wonderfully. Or so it seems. And Anthropology? heck even better. (of course I didn't bother to check up on the Chemistry...I don't plan on going much farther than another semester with that.)
Everyone I've told has told me I'd be perfect for it and that they know I'd enjoy it to it's full extent.
Of course (I use that a lot hmm) I haven't told my parents yet.
I don't know if I plan on it. Not until it gets closer. I think I may tell them after I apply. Though it may not seem like the smartest thing to do, I worry that if I tell them now they will find a way to discourage me and make me feel less enthusiastic about it. When you don't have the support of the people you love the most it's very difficult to see the good behind the painted mask they have put upon certain things.
I've always found it odd that my parents are the way they are. Honestly, if my child wanted to join the peace corps or go on a missions trip I'd say 'Hell have at it!', and I don't ever plan on going back on my word.
If they only knew what sort of peace it brought me, the absolute completed feeling I have after volunteering, the high I get from knowing I helped another person. I'd hope they would understand then.
And sometimes, I feel I sound selfish to think of how helping other people makes me feel good. How sacrificing my time to add value to a persons life isn't really a sacrifice at all.
I don't think it should be. But it could always be constreud as getting joy out of another person's pain. But it's not like that at all. It's getting joy out of making another person less hurt.
I have complete and utter empathy for people around me who suffer when they shouldn't have to. For the worlds on our earth that seem so different from mine and much more sad.
I really could go on forever.
But I'd rather be out there doing.
I want to help make the world a better place.

I love when a question leads to another question and that question to another. And I love when the question perfectly answers the question before it but leads to another train of thought. Another stream of questions.
I can't imagine my life with out questions. It would be a dull exsistance of accepting what someone has told me and would require no thought process. I could not imagine not thinking. It would be absolutley sickening to even be suggested. All these amazing thoughts I use to entertain myself with through out the day, just vanishing, and I would have no knowlegde or care that they ever existed.
Just a started idea, I will hopefully expand on later.

I can't believe this is my first blog here, I've felt like part of this community for so long though I've been more of an observer.
I had a wonderful discussion today with some of my fellow classmates today that led me to bring up Zaadz.
We discussed everything from government to religion and vegitarianism and war and the views that were spoken were absolutly amazing and very unique in their own way. I missed that type of discussion, it seemed to fade when I parted ways with a few friends this summer. I don't know about the rest of the Universe but I feel very empowered and alive after discussions like that, I feel like I have accomplished something for the day and in the same moments I have treated my brain to a surplus of thoughts that reach beyond my egocentric world and give me an escape from dealing with my own life.  Personally, though the problems of the world seem over whelming at times i much prefer them to my own. When I focus on my own problems I feel not only selfish but disconnected from the rest of the world, in fact I puroposly disconnect myself for a while and retreat to my own mind for hours on end.
It's not that I don't believe in dealing with my personal problems because I really do have to overcome those before I can reach out much further, it just excites me that I could be a part of something greater than myself, I could be a part of a world that is striving for peace. I'd rather not strive for perfection, because there is no such thing as defined perfection, it is in the eye of the beholder.
But I feel alive again, I had forgotten what it was to be alive.
I'm so thrilled, for my 2nd semester of college, I not only get to take psychology but also a class on environmental sustainability, criminal investigation, and a liturature and poetry class, I also get to take a class on human sexuality. All subjects I'm interested in it's unbelievable.
And for an insight on my current activities
Last night I preformed for the first time with my belly dancing troupe, it was amazing. I was a little nervous at first but when I got on stage and started dancing it just all went away. That's when you know you really enjoy something. Belly Dancing has not only been beneficial to how I view my body but it has helped me with my self confidance which has been slowly deteriorating over the years. And though I'm going through experiances that some may consider "bad" I can't help but be perfectly happy with my life at this moment in time.
It's purely beautiful, but isn't it always?

With Love,
Kikiarra Mystica